Post Op!

So tuesday I went in for my procedure, which wasn't anything compared to the prep I had to do on monday (wow, pain-ful!!). the worst part was getting the IV cuz im deathly affraid of them and then they said they needed to put it on the hand which didn't have the emla on it (numbing patch for needles) lots of crying, and being scared, and it didnt hurt going in but once it was in it was itchy!! and now it just sort of aches a little. I had very painful cramping after it which ended me in the walkin clinic for painkillers and other anti-biotics. Any way, for any one who was worried for me we don't know what my problem is yet, i have an appointment later in the month of june but we know for sure its not cancer. So now its waiting to find out what it is I have...I strongly dislike waiting....
Always,
~Kitty

Museums of the World

I've been traveling the world since I was a young girl of 10, traveling around Europe and the Middle East and where ever we go we would always stop at museums or historical places. When we were in Paris we visted the Louvre. I walked around and looked at the pictures not taking in as much as I would now that I'm older but still enjoying it. When we got to the gift store (a must visit on any trip) and I picked up a postcard there that has ever since held a perminate place on any corkboard that is near my desk. I have loved looking at it and trying to figure out who these people were, who is the misstress who is the servent, are they both servants? Are they friends? Many a short story has been written from this picture. I miss traveling since we've moved back to Canada and I can't wait until I'll be able to afford to go traveling again, though it will be a very long time I'm sure, but it would be lovely to walk through all those museums again and visit the Anne Frank House a 2nd time. So now its just looking at pictures and waiting to hit it big in interpreting or to take my skill out of the country and become a highly skilled expat.....
Always,
~Kitty

the nerves!! the nerves!!

So in about 5 days i get to go in for some, well lets call it an exploritory procedure. Basicly i've been pretty sick since last summer and my stint in the emergency room and so finally after months and months of pain and discomfort they decided they'd go in and have a look-see. Im starting to get nervous about it all, i mean to begin with i HATE needles and i have to get an IV and then i have to hang around the hop-ital until they say i can go home....but oo the morphemes good...lolz i mean if i lived through the last one they did (even with the painful post surgical inflation of my tummy...a really really big ouch) im sure this one will be ok. Its just the results that I'm waiting for really i guess...i want them to find something so i can stop being sick but i dont want it to be super bad or anything but ill be upset if they find nothing. Like all the other tests ive done to get here.
Always,
~Kitty

On a Grassy Hill

I dream of being pregnant all the time. It symbolises the blossoming of new ideas and creative streaks, and all things new for dedication to begiven. In this particular dream I was standing on a hill in full ancient Roman garb with bare feet. (gosh I was stunning....) it was night time and there was a crestent moon in the sky, behind me to my left was a tree, it had pink flowers on it and was sorta japanese, but it might have been a flowering crab...anway and to my right more at my side was a patch of tall calla lillies and i was pregenat of course...i was HUGE but thats always the way (im sure ill have twins eventually) and infront of me fire works were going off in blue and green and yellow....so now im left to see what fantastic thing ill be embarking on in my future...
Always,
~Kitty

The Languages of Thought

I love sitting in my bed once I've wakened and surrounding myself with books or notes textbooks. I like the peace of the early morning and right now my bed is scattered with my arabic books as I am attempting to re-pickup what have already taught myself over the last few months (I did less as school needed more focus) I'm a big fan of teaching myself things, I taught myself crochet, loom knitting, origmai, ASL when I first discovered it and now other languages (Spanish, Urdu and Arabic). Languages are one of my biggest loves I love looking at them and finding the similarities between languages decoding the writing and other things. Opening up whole worlds and cultures and being able to speak to different people. Most of my conversations with people I'm comfy with and who understand me (Like summer....) I use a bunch of languages shoved together and enjoy the medly of sounds that I can produce and share. But in the end it comes down to that I love the mellow feeling of a firm volume of text and a note book of my learned notes that I've copied and planned like a teacher :P....
Always,
~Kitty

Little Evening Dances

I write so much from the memory of feeling that people often think im lovesick but i havn't actually been lovesick in a very long time! but what would i be if i was not an imaginative romantic??
Always,
~Kitty

The wind blows
And the evening dances
Memories flicker in this midnight light
In all the splendour of our darkness
In these desperate drifts of our desires
Yet what were they?
A fleeting touch
Stolen words inside a stolen moment
When all we were were stolen hearts
I fall and feel the breaking
A nothingness in the emptiness
Of late nights and later mornings
How do I dream when I know nothing
Of the intricacies of lovers lines
And yet, could this be something
If he turns and smiles my way
And yet can I hope for anything
When I fear to give myself away
And if I claim a lover
How slowly will I learn
That is not only stuff of make believe
And novels deep in lies
But it’s possible to hold to
A deep simple love and thrive?

Ode to the litter box that is the cookie jar of my life

Do you ever have that moment where the world seems so empty and usless you just want to break down and sob your little heart out? You look at books, movies, tv, other peoples lives and you go "jungle bunnies!!!! why can't i live like that???" you look and go my job sucks, im endlessly single and I feel like im going no where. I mean really I'm 19 and what have i done with my life? I live at home, i have a lame job I dont party I dont have a bunch of friends and I feel like im just running in circles and waiting for something anything...to i guess whack me on the head. Who knows I mean really....You know what else I miss, when i was younger (ok so like 3 years ago) I could obsess (in a good way) on a book, movie, story i was writing and go on for weeks and months....if not Nary wouldn't have been born, my fanfic (i know i know the shame the shame) into 2 full blown novels. I miss being able to throw myself into something and day dream and dream and write and its not that i think ive lost my imagination but im not sure if i can harness it the same way all the time. Who knows. Any way in relation to an eariler post heres a short pull from my fav. book The Map of Love, its the kinda of random thing I've always done and thought about, after all I keep a box of colour cards under my bed in a shoe box....
Always
~Kitty

The card propped up on my dressing table calls this colour 'Drifter'. This colour card has been of no use to me to me for years, and yet I cannot bring myself to throw it away; it startles me that an object of such beauty should be held in such low esteem-and yet there they were in every B&Q, Sainsbury's HomeBase, etc., not to mention the specialised paint stores and hardware stores: hundreds of cards, stacked, inviting the most casual passer-by to pick one up, glance at it, and throw it into the nearest bin. But look what it does with the seven basic colours; it lobs you gently into the heart of the rainbow, and turns you loose into blue; allows you to wander at will from one end of blue to the other: seas and skies and cornflower eyes, the tiles of the Isfahan and the robes of the Madonna and the cold glint of a sapphire in the handle of a Yemeni dagger. Lie on the line between blue and green- where is the line between blue and green? You can say with certainty 'this is blue, and that is green' but these cards show you the fade, the dissolve, the transformation- the impossibility of fixing a finger and proclaiming, 'At this point blue stops and green begins.' Lie, lie in the area of transformation- strech your arms out to either side. Now: your right hand is in blue, your left hand is in green. And you? You are inbetween; in the area of transformations. Enough. Enough. And yet, I imagine Anna would have had the same thoughts about whatever version of the colour card there was in her day, for she was a woman who was arrested by small things, by shades of colour.

P.S Can I take this section to mention i love the word lob....

Some Random Things From Random Places I Love

So here are some random poems and lines of songs and bits of books I like, they're the kinda things I put in my quote book and thought I'd like to share.
Always,
~Kitty

You say that my skin feels like no one else's,
That it's different somehow.
But I don't understand, isn't a hand just a hand?
No you don't understand. -Masochist By Ingrid Michaelson

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess. -Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson

I remember the first time we danced.
I remember tunneling through the snow like ants.
What I don't recall is why I said,
"I simply can't sleep in this tiny bed with you anymore." -The Hat by Ingrid Michaelson

We don't say a word.
There's nothing to say that hasn't been heard.
And how you've grown my little bird.
I'm regretting letting you fly.

6 pounds and 7 ounces.
A ball of bones and flesh and tears were you.
Now your hands, your tiny pink hands,
Grew larger than my hands ever grew.-Highway By Ingrid Michaelson

All That I Am

I am a plus sized woman in every meaning of the word. Theres a whole lot of me to love and to deal with. I love myself whole heartedly (how many women do you know who can blow dry their hair infront of mirror and still go on when that towel falls??). I am full of life, love and opinions that I will share until I can't go on anymore. I personaly have had a bit of a challenging week, yes I am well aware its only Tuesday. I was told by one of my family members that first thing they often think when they see me is how much weight I've put on. It hurt me very badly, even knowing they only have good intentions. I love my body, and have recently lost weight rather than put it on. I don't weigh myself, havn't done so in years. I struggle to see why others can't accept themselves and why others cannot except me. I have always been teased for it and even though I've built a tough skin once and a while things slip through. I think the biggest reason for my loving my body is 3 of my bestfriends have eating disorders and I have watched them struggle and hurt themselves and others, waste to nothing and pull back. I cannot say it enough GIRLS LOVE YOUR BODIES! LOVE YOU! I wont deny I have moments of weakness, you look at all those things that pile upon your chests like rocks and you think...I can skip breakfast....pfft who needs lunch. I could get surgery....and in the end I think I know myself and I dont think this is what I want. I have yo-yo dieted on several programs and struggled with a nutritionist and all the other things. It is always the same I loose a few pounds and gain a ton back and its terrible discouraging and then I go back to looking at the surgerys, but in the end I know that if I ever went for one of them it would be for my health and not because I hate my body and for me, its that that keeps me putting them off. I'm happy right now, and if I feel the weight is weighing on me (oh give me that one pun) and I worry for things that will affect me in the future (like having kids, getting sick) I'll do it...but now I'm sitting pretty with my back up plan as an exotic dancer! (Id be perfectly plump Polly and I'd have a parrot in my pole act ;) rraawwrrr) And since there is no person who I call companion and who loves me, I will always remember to treasure myself like a perfect flower or pearl until someone takes this joy from me and unto themeselves.
Always,
~Kitty

Peony In Love

I had a beautiful wonderful post written and then with a click I lost it and am unable to find it again. My heart is broken and I don't have the heart to rewrite it knowing it will not be as perfect as the first. So I will say Peony in Love is a wonderful book by Lisa See it is a book about love and how unending it is and the efforts that are gone to to make it last. I will include the quote I finnished the post with and encourage everyone to read this wonderful book that also covers much of aincent Chinese culture and tradition. It covers how one play caused many young girls try to claim thier own futures and fell into "lovesickness" they stopped eating and die hoping that like in the play The Peony Pavillion their love will bring them back to life and they will lead a happy and full life.

"Mengmei changed his name because of a dream. Liniang fell sick because of her dream. Each had a passion. Each had a dream. They both treated their dreams are real. A ghost is merely a dream and a dream is nothing but a ghost."

And what could be more true?

Always,

~Kitty

Dude....I'm a feminist...sorta

So, my good friend the Peach, is a preaching feminist, strong in her views and passionate about clearing up all the misconceptions. I mentioned feminism quickly in my Baby Mama post and this was one of the respones Peach made: "First of all, Kitty, you need to understand the simplicity behind being a feminist: do you value choice? your ability to choose a career, motherhood on your terms, your legal rights?" To which I replyed: "Deffinatly!!!So if i agree with all those things...am I a feminist too??" And as it turns out...: "Definitions of feminism don't always apply to all feminists - i've heard some pretty f(*&ed up definitions myself. You just have to break it down to what the main point is: CHOICE. if you believe in a woman's right to have choice - yes you are a feminist! welcome my friend :)" So as it turns out I can be a feminist and still get married, shave my legs, change my name to Mrs, and not hate men! Hoorah! But its still kinda odd. Its strange when you get a clearer image of somthing you thought was negative before and now see its been misconstrued (like so many things). But while I may share some ideas with feminism I don't think I would say I am a feminist, I'm not really that passionate about it, and if someone asked me, I'd probably say no, I'm not. But it's nice to know you're not all just a crazy bunch of women who are all business no kids, no husbands etc :)
Always,
~Kitty

P.S Oh yea...this was fun...lots of colours!! And I'm sure this will get me some comments ;)