Ode to the litter box that is the cookie jar of my life

Do you ever have that moment where the world seems so empty and usless you just want to break down and sob your little heart out? You look at books, movies, tv, other peoples lives and you go "jungle bunnies!!!! why can't i live like that???" you look and go my job sucks, im endlessly single and I feel like im going no where. I mean really I'm 19 and what have i done with my life? I live at home, i have a lame job I dont party I dont have a bunch of friends and I feel like im just running in circles and waiting for something anything...to i guess whack me on the head. Who knows I mean really....You know what else I miss, when i was younger (ok so like 3 years ago) I could obsess (in a good way) on a book, movie, story i was writing and go on for weeks and months....if not Nary wouldn't have been born, my fanfic (i know i know the shame the shame) into 2 full blown novels. I miss being able to throw myself into something and day dream and dream and write and its not that i think ive lost my imagination but im not sure if i can harness it the same way all the time. Who knows. Any way in relation to an eariler post heres a short pull from my fav. book The Map of Love, its the kinda of random thing I've always done and thought about, after all I keep a box of colour cards under my bed in a shoe box....
Always
~Kitty

The card propped up on my dressing table calls this colour 'Drifter'. This colour card has been of no use to me to me for years, and yet I cannot bring myself to throw it away; it startles me that an object of such beauty should be held in such low esteem-and yet there they were in every B&Q, Sainsbury's HomeBase, etc., not to mention the specialised paint stores and hardware stores: hundreds of cards, stacked, inviting the most casual passer-by to pick one up, glance at it, and throw it into the nearest bin. But look what it does with the seven basic colours; it lobs you gently into the heart of the rainbow, and turns you loose into blue; allows you to wander at will from one end of blue to the other: seas and skies and cornflower eyes, the tiles of the Isfahan and the robes of the Madonna and the cold glint of a sapphire in the handle of a Yemeni dagger. Lie on the line between blue and green- where is the line between blue and green? You can say with certainty 'this is blue, and that is green' but these cards show you the fade, the dissolve, the transformation- the impossibility of fixing a finger and proclaiming, 'At this point blue stops and green begins.' Lie, lie in the area of transformation- strech your arms out to either side. Now: your right hand is in blue, your left hand is in green. And you? You are inbetween; in the area of transformations. Enough. Enough. And yet, I imagine Anna would have had the same thoughts about whatever version of the colour card there was in her day, for she was a woman who was arrested by small things, by shades of colour.

P.S Can I take this section to mention i love the word lob....